Dear Mom

It's been eight years to the day. The day you died.
I've been worried all month that I'd be upset and depressed. Turns out, I'm perfectly fine.
Strange huh?
Eight years appears to be the magic number. Don't worry mom, I'm fine.
I'm getting married soon, which is wonderful. Shame you wont be there.
I don't cry anymore. Maybe on a bad day, but not for long.

I miss you.

Ps. Happy Birthday Grandma.


Stage Fright

So Im drunk which means I usually sing at the top of my lungs.
But here I am in my apartment singing like I have no voice or talent. curse you, I can belt it, why can't I do it now when an hour or so ago I could.
The girl who has smelt my farts and such can't possibly judge me based on my voice, and yet here I am terrified that while drunk she could think I suck.

God I can't wait to get some therapy.

Happy Birthday Emily M!

So my darling Niece who you have all seen, (Princess in training), Turned three the other week. And tonight we celebrated.
It was awesome.

I'd say more but I've been drinking. Which is how I deal with my emotions this time of year. I will explain more on the 31st. :D



Life is alright I suppose. feeling I'm not really in the mood to write which is strange for me. Hopefully in a few days my brain will shut up and the writing will continue.
Until then, I just hope to stay sane and not lose myself inside my head of crazy thoughts.


Paying attention more pays off

Haven't seen it yet, but now that I've realized that when I write about shit that doesn't matter to anyone but myself... I have less hits! So now, we're going to discuss something we all care about.


Oh wait, that wasn't working was it? Fuck. Well I stayed up all night hatching this plan and its bound to fail so it looks like I'm off to watch tv and pray to god Ryan Stiles gets his own TV show where he doesn't wear clothes much.
Or if he does, he has to wear his black and white flame shoes.

Mmmmm Gangly, skinny, tall, funny men. (See John! It makes sense now, right?)


Welcome to Walmart

Yesterday was a semi decent day. Made some coffee and sat around drinking it. Unlike today, of course.
Yesterday was also Little Miss. Emily's Birthday. HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY PRINCESS.

I get to work and for the first four hours the cashiers played tag. Which you would think would be easy, but with customers to help and having everyone at different registers, it wasn't. Although I must admit it was a hilarious time.

After lunch I talked to Josh and he said as long as Mike had no other reasons for not letting me take the time off in June, other than I'm new and the grand re-opening then I can have it. Horrah!
Then I took the Customer Service Manager test and passed! So hopefully soon I will be getting a promotion of some sort.

And finally, they let me go home early. Rock on!


Sorry :(

strewth! I just had a terrible scare when I thought I have not updated this since Hammertime was in the charts... You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. Dudes!.

I am absolutely consumed with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, watching the grass grow, just generally being a hindrance to my employer, my day is filled with fluorescent light from sun up to I feel like going to bed. I am convinced that I absolutely deserve this after all my hard work. life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.

I will try to remember I promised you I will try to remember my blog password more often in future. Sincerest apologies. I will write more to certain yous; but it might not be you in particular who I write to..


Another Crazy Dream...

I woke up to a dream where Chantel was bathing her kid in bacon in a cast iron skillet over a low fire and saying "I caught the girls iceskating around in my G-String and I said, 'Look, until you have something funny to say about it, I don't think so.'"

:o My dreams are nuts.
Also included: Jes, My mom and Lavandis who happened to be a weird mexican/asian child, Swimming pool party, My purse, a bag of plastic cutlery, and some other stuff.


More about my Brain

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I had ADHD. I was on Ritalin for years, but eventually stopped taking it. Not sure why, just know I stopped. (Since you know, I don't take it now.)
For years I coped, maybe not getting the best grades in school, but I didn't flunk or anything. I figured I wasn't smart, although deep down I knew that was a lie.
Just wanted to be normal, thats all.

After my grandpa died, my mom wanted me to go talk to someone because no 17 year old kid should be as perfectly fine as I was. And for her sake, to make her feel better and not worry, I did. I sat down with a shrink and we didn't talk about much. I don't like talking about how I feel or what goes on in my brain. (At least I didn't until I discovered blogging!) and I sat down with someone and he prescribed me two drugs. One for my Bipolar Disorder.

After a few weeks of taking them both I realized I didn't feel like myself. I didn't like what they had done for me. Not knowing, that it was the one for ADHD that was making me feel strange.
So I stopped taking them both. And I stopped going to the shrink for treatment. I just up and quit it all.
My mom asked me about it, but when I told her I didn't want too she didn't really push it. Which was nice.

But now my crazy is back, and in full force. It's causing me to not sleep for days, but still be perfectly fine. And then after that happens, I go mental.
The case this time was John's sister was upset about me mentioning she got her ass kicked. And I read his blog, asked him if he was mad at me. He told me no, so we dropped it.
Less than 10 minutes later I exploded at him for absolutely no reason, no justification and continued babbling about it for three days. (Well two were the silent treatment.)

He didn't do anything wrong. Hell, his sister didn't do anything wrong.
I on the other hand, did. My crazy came out a swingin' and I didn't catch it in time to stop it. Although Kudos to me because this time I didn't do two things.
1.) I didn't drink until I was so drunk I was puking. Because that would had made this whole thing a lot worse for all involved.
2.) I didn't say things such as "I'm better off dead." and "Like you would miss me if I died."

See, I'm a complete wack-job.

I'm hoping for the fall I can get enrolled in some courses at the college out here. I'd like to be full time again. Mainly for the health insurance. And if I can get something for my brain, maybe instead of half assing it I can actually focus and do my work like a normal person.
Because I'll be honest: College is not supposed to be this difficult. Perhaps with the right balance of medication I can finally live up to that potential my teachers were raving about all my life.

And I'm going to talk to my mom, maybe it's worth the couple hundred maybe thousand I'd spend to go sit down and get prescribed something. I don't know. I want to look into it, because this cant possibly be safe for my brain. And I feel so bad for John who tolerates my insanity on a monthly baisis. See, the best part about my insanity is the fact that I hide it so well from others.
It only comes out to people who can't judge me for it, or wont judge me for it.

Over the last three days I was at work pretending everything was perfectly normal. People knew John and I were fighting, but they have no idea why and to what extent.
I always hid it so very well, and maybe thats why no one thought to get me help.

The fog is back

For all of my life I have dealt with my brain. I go from happy to sad in an instant, sometimes for no reason and sometimes because of a badly timed joke.
The last three days have been like this and I feel horrible to everyone who had to put up with my insanity.
There was no just reason for me being upset, and yet I took it out on anyone I could. And at night I would lay in bed, mindlessly clicking the internet hoping to distract myself from my thoughts. My racing thoughts that I could not get under control.

But I am going to figure out some way to get help, from someone. Good lord, I'm pathetic. This would be 100Xs easier if I had insurance.
so much easier. I'd make the appointment tomorrow and find out what the hell is wrong with me.
But until that day, I'm going to figure out what else I can do.


Cruel Irony

I spent the day staring at the clock, and now I can't sleep.
Just fucking wonderful. Someone please turn my brain off, thanks!


Another day..

Today is one of those days where I stare at the clock, watching it count down the seconds until I can go back to sleep.


Apologies are not needed

I refuse to censor myself in my own blog. I refuse to hold back the thoughts that spin through my head on a daily basis. This is my outlet. This is my sanity.

If you have an issue with something I say, don't beat around the bush, say it to my face. And even then, I'm still going to keep saying it. Because on this blog, with these words (My words, mind you. Not yours) I am never wrong.

Suck it up and get the fuck over it.



I hate when I censor myself. I do. But long story short, today is one of those days where I just hate the world. There is no real cause, it's just there.
So world? Fuck you!


Bank Of Jen: Closed

This afternoon my brother called me. I wished him a happy birthday and he instantly asked me for cash because his car got booted.
Boo-Mother-Fucking-hoo. I told him to get a job. "But Jenny, you don't understand." "No, I do. You need to get a job. How about this Pat, if you want to call me to say hi and talk, thats great but if you want to call to ask for money, don't fucking bother. The bank of Jen is closed." And then I hung up on him.

Welcome back Spine, I missed you.


Thanks Poodle.

David came over last night. Till about 3:50am. I had a blast. I missed him so much!
Today I work 830am to 430pm.
Do you know how much sleep I got? Last I checked it was something like 5am.

Someone kill me please?


Domestic Violence

I'm so fucking sick of hearing about Rhiannon and Chris Brown. Seriously, can we collectively as a country move the fuck on?

Last night John told me his Sister's Boyfriend threw her to the ground, kicked her a few times and stole her phone.
My response? "She knew he was an asshole, it was only a matter of time."
I'm sorry, but if a guy is emotionally and verbally abusive, don't you think that over time he's going to snap and beat the shit out of you? I would. I'd get the hell out of there. The whole point to a relationship is being with someone who makes you happy and feel... GOOD. Not makes you feel like shit and cry all the fucking time.

To the women who have no idea what their boyfriends are capable of, I hope to god that if it happens to you, you can get the fuck out of there and never look back.
To the ones to stick with the men who have used them as their own personal punching bag, you fucking deserve it after the first time. Sorry.

Regardless of what is going on in your life, if you don't have the courage to let go and walk out for your own lifes sake, then maybe a few more punches, another broken bone and a choke hold will knock some sense into ya.


I was the only one applying who spoke english..

Yesterday I went to the visa office. The drive there was fine. We waited a few minutes to verify that my name was Jennifer Sue, not just Jennifer. Then I sat for two minutes before they called me back to take my fingerprints. That is what took the longest, but once it was done, we left.

Now I just have to send in all my information and wait for them to call me, or whatever the fuck goes on with these things.

Dinner at my moms was good. I had a fun time. Then I finally came home to sleep forever and a day, but I think I deserved it considering I was up for a day and a half. :p

Today is laundry day along with "Get your taxes filed!" it's so exciting I could dance! *Does the Humpty Hump...*



Today is the day I drive to the city and find out if I get the visa to go to England this summer. I'm absolutely terrified. Which may be the reason I didn't sleep. That and the four shots of espresso I had all day. *cough*

So I have had no sleep, just finished breakfast, am showered and dressed. Even blow dried my hair. (I said after today on Facebook, I'd give up vanity. SORRY.) and everything is together. I have my bank statements, letter from work, lease is in the car, Letter stating I'm loaded is in the purse and more bank statements.

I have 40 minutes till I have to leave. This is a problem. I don't like being late. I am never late because shit like this happens. I wake up early so I have enough time, end up with too much time and then I sit there like a moron twiddling my thumbs and blogging like a tard monkey about nothing just to pass the time and keep my mind off whatever it is I'm waiting for.

And in this case, its my uncertain future.

See, this visa is important. Not as important as the marriage one we're filling out come April, but still important because if I can't get it then I can't go to England. Which means I can't meet his grandma, or his aunt. I can't get to know his family instead of going, "Oh Hay! I'm marrying this member of your family and you have very little idea as too who I am." Goodie!

Fuck. Me.

This is scary as hell. How unfair would be on him if I get denied and I can't flippin' go this summer? I better get it, I blow dried my hair for this shit.

If we get married and every time he wants to see his family he has to go alone, and then later take the kids alone... Well It would suck balls, thats what it would do.
And maybe, just maybe, slowly destroy our marriage because I'm such a fucking retard I can't even travel properly with out getting deported for wanting to not be homeless.

Fucking hell. I'm scared shitless right now. If I was not wearing clean pants, I'd probably drop a load on the couch just to prove a fucking point.
This is why I don't admit my emotions. This is why I don't try new things. I don't change what I eat, read or even wear. Why? Because I end up a raving lunatic who has no idea what she is saying or doing she's closing her eyes and jumping head first hoping and maybe a little praying as well, that it goes the way that would suit everyone best.

I considered baking a cake, but I didn't want to bribe them with baked goods and be refused because they can't accept bribes. It'd be a total waste of cake.
God I'm loonier than the canadian currancy.

Lent: What will you sacrifce for a chocolate bunny this year?

This year I am giving up my vanity. I no longer care what people think of me and my appearances. I will dress, do my makeup (If at all) and hair how I please.

And in a moment of insomnia driven inspiration, I reached for the camera.

And out of the pictures I took, no makeup, little sleep and tons of caffine, I can finally say that I look amazing. Prettier than I've thought I've looked in quite some time.
Granted, at 3 o'clock in the morning I don't feel like smiling much. I do feel like writing. When nothing else has bored me to the point where my body gives up and sleeps.

Which is fine, because now I have some awesome new pictures of me that I would have never taken if I had been asleep. (Although if I had, when I woke up, boy howdy I would have been confused and mildly scared.)

So horrah for a lack of vanity. And discovering that underneath everything society holds so dear, and is so quick to judge someone with, is nothing more than crap.

For I am beautiful. Even at 3am when I can't sleep and really should be doing so.


Days off...

...The one day I don't have to fucking wear navy.

Issues: I has them

I just sent this text,
"So whats the prognosis?"
Its 430am!


Laughter: It cures Life

Funniest Clip I've seen in a while!

Spring Ahead? Wtf?

This morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm trying to kill me. I look at the alarm clock, its 6am. I turn off the alarm on my phone, curse myself for setting it for 6 and go back to sleep.
Same thing happens at 6:30 and 6:45. At this point I'm not happy.

Finally it goes off at 7am. And then John calls.
I tell him to call me at eight.
As I'm laying there I glanced at my phone. Which reads 8:15am. I look at my alarm clock. 7:15am.

Fuuuuuck. Spring ahead bitches.


After having lived in a basement for four years, I'm just not used to the sound of raindrops on a window. It's keeping me up.
And freaking me out. If I heard water while I was sleeping it meant something was flooding. No good, no good at all.

This rain business needs to stop.


Life, and the road we travel

I was reading Wendie's Blog and all about how she's apologetic by nature. She said, "You’re unhappy with your life and how it’s going?  I.  Am.  So.  Sorry."
And in that moment I realized how often I write about how shitty my life is. How nothing is going my way, how fusterated and irritated I am. Rarely do I highlight the good moments, and when I do it's either an Epic blog, paragraphs long or a few short sentences shoved at the bottom.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't. I never have. When my mom died and people said, "I'm so sorry for your loss." I didn't want that. How the fuck do you respond to someone being sorry for something you nor them could control?
Fuck that.

Don't be sorry for me. I don't need it, nor anyone's pity. I know life has ups and downs. I know shit happens for a reason. But stop looking at me like that, and lets just go back to laughing.
(Sorry Wendie, you inspired me.) :p

Praise Jesus!

I found my blasted passport. In the exact place I thought I had left it, and checked three times previous. God Fucking Damn it. I have this desk thing, you put paper and pens and bits in it. It's black metal. I finally dumped the damn thing out on the floor. And there, lying on top of my pens and tictacs and gum packages, was my passport.

I was too relieved to be angry at myself.


For the first time in a long time, I have a hang over. Like a true blue, god my head hurts, hangover.
I deserve it too. I drank far too much delicious wine last night. I only poured half glasses, so I wouldn't get carried away. Still got carried away.
So my head hurts.

At least now that I've slept, the room has stopped spinning. Now if my uterus would leave me alone, we could all be ok.


Mmm Wine.

So after a long day that seemed to drag on forever I bought a box of Red wine and a bottle from the store on the way home.
So I've had a few. but it's delicious!

I can't find my passport. I cleaned out my car, searched everywhere...well nearly everywhere, that I thought it would be in this room. I can not find it. This fucking BLOWS BALLS.
Seriously, like I know I have it. My mom is going to call me and I'm going to make her check high and low for it. Because I can not find it. If it is not in my car, I don't have a fucking clue.

This is distressing.
More distressing than the fact that I've had a whole bottle of delicious wine tonight.
Mmmm Wine.
(Well it is friday!)

Blah. Work.

I know I haven't updated with anything interesting in a day or so, but thats because other than work nothing super interesting has happened.
I filled out the Visa paperwork so I can go to England this summer. I still have to find my passport which is somewhere, but I'm not sure where. When I get home tonight it's my job to find it. And I have too, because I need it by tuesday which is the day I go to meet with the guys about the visa thing in Chicago.

And now, I'm off to work.



When I left work Sunday afternoon I picked up three packs of smokes. One for each day off. I was determined not to spend any money on my days off, knowing I didn't need too.

Well with 300 and something for the car rental, almost 200 for the car repairs, and the 180 for the comcast bill, I guess I was mistaken on that spending money thing.
Not only did I pay all of the rent this month, but I'm the only one paying the comcast bill.

Long story short, this shit needs to stop. I can't afford it anymore. I really cant. I am two seconds away from canceling the cable because I can't afford it. I'd keep the internet, but I'd cancel the cable.
I don't watch TV. Let them pay for that shit.


Welcome to Miami!

I had a dream.

I find myself in Miami, my family has relocated there. My mother has a sprawling mansion, where my sibling gets her own mini suite with bathrooms galore. She can paint it and decorate how she wants. I get the shitty single room and have to share bathrooms with someone. Never knew who.

I want the Suite under the house. That opens up right on curvy pathway up to the front door. It was apparently the old suite Chris brown used to stay in. I argue with my mother and pout to my father in his own house. Turns out I get it, although I never heard "Its yours." just my mother going, "You're getting good at manipulating him."

I'm in a hotel. One of the upper floors overlooking the ocean. A tidal wave crashes, but its coming at us from both sides. Paris Hilton is there. I wrap an arm around her and someone else. We go under and we float. We drift, I think we're going to die and yet at this point the panic is gone and I'm just holding on to Paris Hilton.

We emerge. We're all dry. We're underground and trapped. Think Dawn of the dead and any other zombie movie where everyone healthy is trapped somewhere and the dead are off elsewhere.
We realize what has happened. It was a tidal wave, but this group of survivors is trapped. Underground. It is in a hotel. But the hotel is cut off from all outside sources minus Walkie talkies that appeared for no reason.

Sasha, the founder of Evil Beet, is there. I apparently now work for her. She joins me. We suck on q-tips with "Blood" but its the antidote so we don't get sick. We breathe into a machine, I am sick when I breathe through my nose. Not sick when through my mouth.
I and one other girl are infected. I protested. Why was one passage of air infected but the other not? I started breathing through my mouth. And then I was given a mask.

Fast forward to another room. They wonder how long it will take for us to lose control and become like them. Someone asks what we were going to do when we get out. The other girl chooses optimism. Talking about something.

I choose another tactic. "Well I was going to get married. Had my dress and everything. I guess it'll be the skinniest I've ever been and they'll still make me the center of attention." I clearly didn't want to die.

Fast forward to the night, we're getting ready for bed. Merry, a lady who I work with is there. (real name Merry, born on Xmas Eve.) Turns out she is the other one dying with me. (In Real life she's a survivor of Breast Cancer.) Her husband is there. He's from liverpool. She's tucked into bed with her blue flannel sheets, the ones with bright white snowflakes on them. They match her pjs.
I sit talking to her husband. I leave and go to the room I am sharing with Sasha. She hears that the monsters are moving towards us and we gather our things and start warning people.

For some reason Paris Hilton never appeared in the dream again. But Sasha and I set out to do something. The walkie went all nuts and we couldn't get it to go quiet. We were terrified the Monsters were coming. She told me to take Evil Beet and be the head writer. (Sorry Wendie, I am now your boss it appears in Miami.)
She sacrifices herself, and the monsters find us. We're now in a parking structure and the Undead have cars. Really nice cars.

I jump around from car to car, apparently I become Nastia from the Olympics. (Its like 11pm I just woke up. My spelling and names are probably wrong. I'm sorry.)
And then some voices are shouting, "Get out of the way!" And they're chanting. And chanting. And then some of the survivors start crashing the cars and throwing them around. I wake up to this thought, "Fucking Transformers!"

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday

Its been a few days since I've updated. I'm sorry, but I've actually been busy. And yesterday I just didn't feel like writing. So be ready for a blog of epic proportions!

I woke up Friday at 6:15. I knew I was going to be late for work, I had to be there at 7am. So with out any coffee in me I make it downstairs to start my car and let it heat up a bit before I race off towards walmart.
Small problem though. The key to my car is not working. Oh no. John is on the phone. I'm pissed off. Theres no way for me to get in my car. I'm livid. I'm screaming.
I shake my hand to get my coat sleeve over it because I'm freezing and my engagement ring flies off of it. I can hear it bounce in the parking. I'm freaking out more.

Picture me, half asleep, on the phone and down on her knees peering under cars for this ring. I was not a happy girl. I finally find it, it was not in the area I thought it was, which was upsetting. But I found it undamaged.

I manage to pull my rear back door open, the one that never locks, and climb into my car from there. I start the car and realize, "Oh shit, the windshield is frozen over." but instead of climbing out and scraping it? I just sat there. I called work to tell them I was not going to be on time, but no one answered.
I called again when I got to the gas station to crawl out and get deicer, but they didn't answer again. The deicer? Didn't work. My car door was fucked.

So I get to work, crawling out via the back seat. I have people staring at me now. But I suck it up and deal with it.
The day goes on, it wasn't horrible. Wasn't star stunningly brilliant either, but thats life.
I ended up being 40 minutes late. But no one said a word to me. not one person.
I was impressed.

On the way home, after my manager saw me crawl into my car from the opposite side and drive off. I Call my mom and she told me to go get it fixed. Always one to pretend to take my mothers advice I thought I would switch it up this time and actually take it.

This is the exchange that happened at the dealer.
"So who can I help?" the man says.
"Oh! Me! Pick me!" I squeal.
"Yes?" He said
"My car is broken!" I announce like I won something for this.

I then proceeded to rattle off about 50 things wrong with it that I want them to fix. But I Forgot to tell them to fix the very cracked back bumper. I am stupid.

So I am now stranded at the chevy place, with my giant pink purse, a cell phone and a mop. Yes, I had a mop with me. I called enterprise because they do "Under 25 car rentals." and basically verbally sucked "Luke's" dick to get this car.

"Ok, do you have a major Credit card?" "Nope. I have a debit!" "Do you have a paycheck stub and a copy of your utility bill?" "Nope! I have my lease though! And a mop." "Yea, we don't borrow cars to people with out.." "Oh come on Luke, you're breaking my heart. YOu sound like a nice guy, do you really want me stranded here for hours on end while I wait for someone to come get me? What if they never get me, huh luke? I can't sleep here. I have to go home and sleep. Please luke.."

Needless to say, I got the car. I got home and I just passed out. I was so tired. Woke up the next day at 6am. I didn't have to be at work till 8. Thankfully, I was on time.

Sunday was the longest day of my life. LONGEST OF MY LIFE. See, Saturday night Emily and I got drunk. Because I wanted too. After I dropped Emily off at her house, I ended up babbling to my neighbor for an hour about Jes and Joey and everything that was wrong in the world.
I am a chatty drunk. A chatty and honest drunk.

Turns out Jessica heard everything I said. And she was very hurt. Boy howdy did I feel like an ass! I apologized time and time again, wishing there was a magical way to make it better. I almost cried at seeing her almost cry.
Foot in mouth along with ankle, calf, knee and thigh. CHOKE ON IT JEN!

But yesterday! Yesterday was a wonderful day. I got some cleaning done, I read the rest of my book. I had dinner at my mommies house. And I became a library card totin' citizen of Woodstock, IL. Oh yes. I plan on going back to the magical library and wandering for hours on end until I have a stack of books I can hardly carry. I had that last night, but most of them were non-fiction so they weren't really interesting.

But I am going to learn to Knit today! And after I pick up my car from the dealer I plan on driving out to my dads, hopefully if it's not done too late. :D
Yay for my life!