The Moring Rush

I was awoken this morning... About 10 minutes ago, actually, by Joanne who is in charge of the tournament. Turns out she over slept and now we're all rushing about trying to make sure we get everything there/ready in time.

Which totally explains why I'm still sitting on her couch staring at my laptop screen like I have no idea where I am or what I'm doing. Which is a normal 630am Thing for me.

I managed 2 hours of sleep wensday night, which means after a day of running around and working... Well I was just plain exhausted. I didnt fall asleep until sometime after 1am, which means I got about five hours of sleep there.

Tonight, I'm sleeping early. Because otherwise I"m going to die.


Numbers Ain't Got Nuttin' On Me!

I'm in a much better mood than I have been in days. I had a breakdown the other night, crying and being upset about anything and everything that I could. And at the end of it all the weight was off my shoulders and I could smile again with out having to force it.

Currently, I'm on a high. Not a drug high, but one of pride and happiness. I have taken the same math class four times while in College. Each time I decided I was too good and stopped going. Well this time around, I've not missed a single class and my test grades have so far been 99%, 94% and 99%. Which gives me an average of about 95-97%

I will be getting out of this math class with an A.

I can not stop smiling over this, and it thrills me to bits.

In other news, come Monday my English class will be reading my memoir I wrote years ago about the day I was told my mom had AIDS. I'm scared shitless. I do not like people reading my writing, and more importantly I do not like people flat out telling me what they think of my paper with out me being able to respond. (Oh yes, I can not speak during this.)
I have a feeling I'll be hitting someone with my car on "Accident" when this class is over.

tomorrow is Day one of Softball tournament #2 and I'm excited to have something to do.
I want to get a job, but it's the summer. Can't I have fun instead? *whines*

I'll try to post sometime over the weekend, but don't expect me to be around much.


5:43 Am.. The clock ticks on

I haven't been sleeping lately. Scratch that, I have been sleeping- just not at times that one would deem normal. John left on the 26th and my heart broke. I don't know why, but I haven't been sleeping and I've been in this funk that I can't shake myself out of no matter what I do or try.

I miss him.

I've been drawing more. Not sure why I started again, guess I thought it would make me happy, or smile about something. Nope. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not good, will never be good, or good enough for people around me to like what I've drawn.
I should just stick to writing.

Which is what this is. A fresh start for a fresh new chapter of my life. We're calling it "Year 22." I'm practically a vintage. I feel old. I feel like shit.

And the best part about it all?
I was in the same place I am now 4 years ago. I still have so much growing up to do. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I want to move out, I want a job.. But then I lack the motivation to do anything about it. And sitting in my room all day just makes me sad and angry. I'm lonely and depressed and I can't even be arsed to fix it.

I can't even be bothered to lay down and sleep...