Aftermath: Thoughts

"When are you moving to England?" Is the question on everyone's mind, including my own. I know, it's a big move. I know it's stressful.. and I know right now its a pain in the ass.

We started doing the visa today but it requested a "Departure date" and a "return date" which is just silly because I won't leave until I know when they will let me, and I plan on not returning. Other than to visit. So right now it's all a pain in the ass.

A lot of people have been asking how married life has been, and to be honest it feels the same as it did when John came to visit. We hang out, watch TV, internet fun, and just spend time together. Which is what we do. Nothing feels differently to me, maybe him because now he's married.. I don't know. To me it feels the same.

Granted I'm fully aware I'm married. But I'm also fully aware that come Sunday night I have to say goodbye yet again, like I always do. And I'm going to have to be strong and hold back my tears and pretend that I'm a seasoned pro at this. You'd think after three years I'd be ok with all of this, but it sucks that I know I'm not going back with him.

It seriously sucks.

Edit: Visa people got back to us Via email and said they can't tell us what to put. Wtf. That makes no sense. This is the biggest pain in the ass ever. :/ would have been easier if I was English. Or he was American.

Fuck us for being the most unconventional couple ever. :(

England

Theres been a few ups and downs regarding my trip to England this summer. But now, now I have nothing to worry about because I can go. They have sent me my visa, and if the buzzer works it should be here later today.
Other wise tomorrow I have to pick it up from the office. But I have the visa, I was approved, and I can stop stressing about it.

After they got all of my paperwork, since I didn't send them a bank statement with my name on it, so I had to fax it the other day... It only took about a day for them to look at it and go, "Yup. She's not poor. Accepted!" which rocks my socks off.

But now, its super early in the morning and I want caffine. I shall continue writing at a later date. Probably after my 6 days in a row at work. You know, since everyone totally works six days in a row. *Slits wrists*

I was the only one applying who spoke english..

Yesterday I went to the visa office. The drive there was fine. We waited a few minutes to verify that my name was Jennifer Sue, not just Jennifer. Then I sat for two minutes before they called me back to take my fingerprints. That is what took the longest, but once it was done, we left.

Now I just have to send in all my information and wait for them to call me, or whatever the fuck goes on with these things.

Dinner at my moms was good. I had a fun time. Then I finally came home to sleep forever and a day, but I think I deserved it considering I was up for a day and a half. :p

Today is laundry day along with "Get your taxes filed!" it's so exciting I could dance! *Does the Humpty Hump...*

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Today is the day I drive to the city and find out if I get the visa to go to England this summer. I'm absolutely terrified. Which may be the reason I didn't sleep. That and the four shots of espresso I had all day. *cough*

So I have had no sleep, just finished breakfast, am showered and dressed. Even blow dried my hair. (I said after today on Facebook, I'd give up vanity. SORRY.) and everything is together. I have my bank statements, letter from work, lease is in the car, Letter stating I'm loaded is in the purse and more bank statements.

I have 40 minutes till I have to leave. This is a problem. I don't like being late. I am never late because shit like this happens. I wake up early so I have enough time, end up with too much time and then I sit there like a moron twiddling my thumbs and blogging like a tard monkey about nothing just to pass the time and keep my mind off whatever it is I'm waiting for.

And in this case, its my uncertain future.

See, this visa is important. Not as important as the marriage one we're filling out come April, but still important because if I can't get it then I can't go to England. Which means I can't meet his grandma, or his aunt. I can't get to know his family instead of going, "Oh Hay! I'm marrying this member of your family and you have very little idea as too who I am." Goodie!

Fuck. Me.

This is scary as hell. How unfair would be on him if I get denied and I can't flippin' go this summer? I better get it, I blow dried my hair for this shit.

If we get married and every time he wants to see his family he has to go alone, and then later take the kids alone... Well It would suck balls, thats what it would do.
And maybe, just maybe, slowly destroy our marriage because I'm such a fucking retard I can't even travel properly with out getting deported for wanting to not be homeless.

Fucking hell. I'm scared shitless right now. If I was not wearing clean pants, I'd probably drop a load on the couch just to prove a fucking point.
This is why I don't admit my emotions. This is why I don't try new things. I don't change what I eat, read or even wear. Why? Because I end up a raving lunatic who has no idea what she is saying or doing she's closing her eyes and jumping head first hoping and maybe a little praying as well, that it goes the way that would suit everyone best.

I considered baking a cake, but I didn't want to bribe them with baked goods and be refused because they can't accept bribes. It'd be a total waste of cake.
God I'm loonier than the canadian currancy.
Fuck.

Blah. Work.

I know I haven't updated with anything interesting in a day or so, but thats because other than work nothing super interesting has happened.
I filled out the Visa paperwork so I can go to England this summer. I still have to find my passport which is somewhere, but I'm not sure where. When I get home tonight it's my job to find it. And I have too, because I need it by tuesday which is the day I go to meet with the guys about the visa thing in Chicago.
Horrah.

And now, I'm off to work.

Coffee is brewing

Its 330am and I can't sleep. I probably could if I tried really hard but I finished another book and my mind is going a mile a minute. Books make me think, and when I think I don't sleep. I write. Not about books I want to write, but about life and how it relates to the book I've read.

So I read a romance and thought about John. Main character in the book was "John Kowlawsky" or something like that. I thought it was funny so I got the book, which in turn broke my fragile little heart.

This summer I'm planning on going to England for two weeks. I'm terrified. Not in the normal "Oh his family will hate me..." terrified, no the "Getting this visa is going to suck my balls" terrified. I don't know who to talk too about the letter I need saying in June, when I get back, I will still have a job. I don't know how much money I need in my bank account, if I need a copy of my lease, a blood test or a background check.

And all of this worrying is accomplishing nothing, never does. But I continue to do it anyway. I feel bad that John can come over here every other month, and my family knows him alright (I try not to expose him, he may be scared off.) but I have met his family once, I mean I have talked to them and I like them but its unfair that he's going to eventually move here and as of right now I can count the things they know about me on my fingers and toes.

1.) Sarah thinks I want to hit her in the face with a shovel (I know you read, couldn't resist.)
2.) His brother, Paul, hated the idea at first thinking John was completely insane but apparently is slowly warming up to it.
3.) His mother adores me.
4.) I drink a lot very fast and enjoy wearing the color green.
5.) I blog
6.) I am a complete nerd.
7.) I am a Guitar hero GOD.
8.) I am from Chicago.
9.) I am ... Well that about sums it up I guess. Don't need my toes it would appear.

So I will be taking their family member selfishly away from them and they know almost nothing about me. Because as it turns out I am completely useless at the spoken word. Give me a blank paper and a pen and I can write pages about myself and what I think and things around me. Sit me down and ask me questions that have easy answers and I'm set... But ask me an open ended question like "So tell me about yourself." and all I can think of is, "I like cheese."

I'm so useless it hurts me. And more importantly some how this blog stopped being about the visa and turned into how completely pathetic and selfish I am. Because I am. I always have been and will probably always continue being that way. I think it has something to do with my parents, but then again I could blame everything on my parents if I needed too and it would all make sense, no?

Where are you now Dr. Phill? I have a riddle wrapped in a conundrum covered in chocolate for you!
Coffee is done, and I'm going to sit here chain smoking and playing the sims until my mind stops racing and I feel at peace with myself again. I'm fighting a losing battle with my mind here, my body is no match it would appear.