Death of Friendship

I knew it was coming. The times between seeing each other got longer, and the times spent together were shorter. I knew it was happening when something every time I saw you irritated me, or vice versa. I was only hoping that maybe, we'd make it until I left, so our friendship could fade away and we'd be left with the happy moments that make us laugh out loud when we're alone doing something that has nothing to do with anything. When a single word triggers a memory and makes us burst into a fit of giggles.

I don't know who I'm going to sit on the floor of my bed room drinking wine and laughing about the memories, the jokes and even the crap I have piled around. I don't know who to cook for, who to nag or who to worry about.

So lets raise a glass, one last time. Because it wasn't meant to be, because it was the best 85 years of my life, because of the laughter the tears and the strange looks. For the the candy bars thrown at us, the wine and alcohol we drank, the food we cooked, the drives we took and the servers who's lives we've changed. Raise a glass for the inside jokes, the late night musical drives, the walks, the adventures and the mozzarella sticks. And if not any of that, raise your glass because we've both changed, for the better, in some aspects for the worst. But we've changed, I've been changed by you, and I only hope that I had some effect on you.

"You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart."

Thanks for 85 years Emily, I was hoping to make it to 126, but we don't always get what we wish for.

Armor for Sleep

Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here
Believe the note I left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here, so don't try

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.
And believe your dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try.

In a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Leave it up to me. To burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.

Leave it up to me (leave it up to me). To burden you again (To burden you again).
This ones not your fault. So forget, so forget, so forget me.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you...

Mean- Pink

You know, I get so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you had
And all those sorries ain't never gonna mean a thing, oh

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck tryna hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe,
But we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
We got so used to this abuse, it kind of feels like home
But, my baby, I just really wanna know, oh,
How did we get so mean?

Realization

Im not going to bend over backwards to make people happy. I'm not going to offer opinions to those who refuse to listen/follow them, even when asked for them. I'm not going to spend my life coddling people who refuse to say thank you.

I'm not your mother, any of you, so now it's time to focus on those who matter. Focus on those who appreciate me, who make me feel better about myself. Hell the people willing to offer encouragement and support with out being asked.

And more importantly it's time for me to put myself first, just a tiny bit. It'll be a struggle, but I think maybe at some point I can manage it. Because somewhere along the way, I got this crazy ass amazing support system, and even if I stumble in my quest to get rid of this self loathing and pity, they'll be there with a word or two to get me back on my feet.

And that is all any girl could ever hope/ask/wish for.

Weight

All of my life I thought I was over weight. When I was in 8th grade the other girls were 80-95lbs and I was 100 and I thought I was fat. I have a big bone structure, not that my bones are big, but I'm wider. I don't look like I weigh what I do, never have.

But I get it, after gaining 100lbs in a year I'm fat. Sure I've lost some, but I'm still 100lbs over what I was in highschool. I used to hate being a size 9. Or even a size 10. And now I long to be that size again, and no matter what I do it doesn't seem to be working. I eat less, eat better and whats that? I've gained weight? Fantastic.

I've always been a "Make fun of your flaws first so it matters less when others do it." Kinda person. Fat joke flow freely, when I'm around. Not at other people, at myself. I've run out of jokes and now it's starting to get to me. Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe I'm being over emotional. I'm not sure. What I do know is the next person to tell me I have sausage fingers is going to die.

I dish it out, so I should be able to take it. Turns out everyone has a breaking point and I may have reached mine. God, I only hope in a day or so this "sensitive about my weight" issue lifts, because I fucking hate being this choked up about something that is clearly my own damn fault.
It's one thing to be upset that you have cancer, it's a completely different thing to be upset because you have a fondness for Oreos and chicken full of butter.

Come on Jen, stop acting like a girl and go back to acting like yourself god damn it. This change in personality is not helpful or healthy. Hating yourself and how you look is not the way forward.

I guess It's time to stop putting it off...

Jesus Christ it's been a while, hasn't it? I'd apologize, but I'm not the least bit sorry- I'm upset, but not sorry. Why am I upset? Because writers block, as a whole, is shitty. I have had many things happen in the last few weeks and all I can muster up to write about is lyrics and whatever the fuck else I said on here.

Seriously. Get. Me. Out. Of. My. Head. Plz.

Ok, so whats going on in the life of Jen? I quit my shitty ass job. I hated it. I wanted to quit. It just happened sooner rather than later. Am I sorry? Fuck no. Do I miss it? HELLZ NO.
Why'd I quit? Well other than the obvious, John and I were fighting and I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work and pretend to give a shit about anything anyone said to me, so I turned around, called in and made up with John.

Wedding plans are coming along nicely. Few more bits and bobs to take care of, but essentially I'm done. Lets pat me on the back, shall we? I planned a wedding in a little over a month. That alone has to be record breaking.
Shipped Sarah's dress the other day. 140 dollar dress that weighs roughly 5lbs if that... 112 dollars to ship it. And no, it's not overnight. I was flabbergasted. Completely flabbergasted.
So yeah, next two days or so I'm counting dimes to get cigarettes, and not going anywhere because I have no gas or money.

Garage sale this weekend! Well.. Not this weekend, THIS COMING THURSDAY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY. If you know me IRL and you live near me, PLZ COME BUY MY STUFFS K? K.
That is all.

John has put an offer on an apartment. We're waiting to hear back from them. But it is the CUTEST little place, and it's not even that little. And get this.. KITCHEN HAS A WINDOW! I LOVE WINDOWS! IN KITCHENS! YAY!
So fingers crossed on that one, because he really wants the place, and so do I oddly enough. And as soon as he has it, we're hoping for me to fly out there to help pick out a bed, decorate a bit and maybe get some of my shit over because I'm scared to think how much it would be to ship a fucking box of books to England. My guess is a few hundred :(

I hate parting with my belongings, but its a necessary evil, I suppose.

Hmm, Im sure there was more to tell you, but I can't remember it- so we'll say goodnight to this blog post and hopefully tomorrow I'll figure it out/have more to say.

Lyrical Saturday

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those, who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...I have been changed for good... In a world may be, we will never meet again, in this lifetime so let me say before we part, so much of me, is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine, by being my friend...."

Wicked Soundtrack
For Good

Never a moment of Peace

I want to comment on my current living arrangements. My roommate is back to normal. Life in this tiny apartment is pleasant. I still hide away in my room, but that has more to do with liking solitude and computer location rather than fear and annoyance.

Downside to this apartment complex? For the last 5 months or so there has been a couple who love to have screaming matches. Every night. It's become my daily guilty pleasure, to sit at the window with a cigarette and listen to the screaming that echos through the complex.
So as much as I enjoy my daily Verbal Soap Opera, I wish late at night she wouldn't stand in the parking lot sobbing, or early morning screaming at him.

Middle of the afternoon is a good time, but thats about it.

So as peaceful as it is in this particular apartment, 2B, the rest of the complex is noisy as hell. But it's only a few more months, and it's kinda become the norm.

Wedding Drama

Hi. Me again. I know, I missed you too. Anyway..

As some of you may have read, I don't speak to my Father's side of the family. I've met them, but I have seen them twice since I was 2 years old. So that's 21 years of no contact at all. Part of it is because my half brother, Pat, is black and my grandma is a racist. Another part of that is because.. Well I'm not sure why.

Now, My dad told me to invite his mom, his three sisters and a few other people. I invited the ones I knew. I also invited his sister Lisa because I was pretty much bullied into it.
My dad has been getting Grief from his mom about me not inviting Julie, my aunt who I have no recollection of.
I threw a fit. I did, I called her and told her "Yes, we're technically family, but these people are strangers." And she's not happy about it.

I have an invitation I changed my mind about and could easily send off to Julie right now, but these people knew where I was. My address hadn't changed since I was 10. so in 13 years a card, a phone call, some sort of effort to be like "Hey, we're family." But instead.. nothing.

And now I'm supposed to invite strangers to my wedding, which has limited space as it is, just because we're related? Uhm. I don't think so.
I want to send the invite just because it keeps teh peace. I don't want to send the invite because I don't know these people and wedding is not a place to get to know me, sorry.

The whole situation is batshit crazy and pissing me off. I wish there was a simple solution to my issue, and I have a feeling I'm just going to cave and send the damn invite to her.
Fuck.

Putting the Labor into Labor day

I moved furniture today. Carried it up stairs, down stairs, shifted everything in my room so it looks and feels different. Whole place looks bigger now. Amazing.

I was going to write about my entire day but it sounded boring and unfunny. Which is was. So I'll spare you the details and just let you know that peppered beef jerky sucks.

50 things about me

1. I learned how to drink on Captain morgan and to this day, years later, it's my drink of choice.
   
2. I've owned two cars in my life. One was free the other I've paid off.
   
3. I have an obsession with books. I want a Kindle, but I have a relationship with books.
   
4. I dance around my room mouthing words into a hairbrush when I'm sad. It cheers me right up.
   
5. Mafia.org is where I met John.
6. I call John Trevikins on Mafia.org
7. It's the mafia and he has the gayest nickname ever from it.
   
8. My parents all contributed from my music taste. Elvis and Country from my mom, Cher from my other Mom and Oldies from my dads.
9. I actually prefer savory over sweet. I don't really like cake that much. Sorry.
   
10. I drive like a crazy person, and talk to the cars infront of me. "Excuse me, Ford Taurus, can you please at least go the speed limit or...GET THE FUCK OFF TEH ROAD?! THANKS....Maybe? No? Damn."
11. I might be secretly greek or Italian with the urge to feed people.
    
12. I only cook when someone else is going to eat it, cooking for myself is gay.
    
13. I am horribly shy. Crowds are a no thank you.
14. I used to love Navy before walmart.
    
15. I still have shoes from 2000. And I love them.
    
16. Im scared of heights, spiders, death, thunderstorms and Semi's.
    
17. The hardest part about moving to England is leaving Alex and Emily. The two people who get really super excited to see me. (Everyone else too, but those two have the best greetings)
18. I love shoes. Seriously. If I didn't have wide feet I'd be broke.
    
19. I used to steal thongs from Charotte russe. My mom would hide them. On my 18th birthday I got a hatbox full of thongs. I still ahve the box adn most of the thongs.
    
20. My mother is my best friend.
    
21. I'm turning into both of my mom's.
    
22. The two people I want to be like in life are My mom and my big sister. Except I don't want to drunkenly break my toliet paper holder. (Heh.)
    
23. Everything makes me cry. Country songs, Commercials, Movies, Sitcoms, books and even comics.
    
24. If I hug you, you're awesome. Thats the general rule of thumb.
    
25. I have always thought I was fat. Since I was about 12. Only now is it true.
    
26. I still sleep with my teddy bear.
    
27. I'm a packrat. I keep everything. I have a gnome I stole from someone's yard when I was 13.
    
28. I regret the friends I've lost.
    
29. I've had a lot of awesome friends.
    
30. I'm horrified that I will never amount to anything. ever.
    
31. I secretly read my little sisters Kid books. And I love them.
    
32. I cried when someone knocked me over in 1st grade and my copy of the Wizard of Oz fell into a puddle. I continued reading, but it was hard.
    
33. I couldn't read like the other kids. I was taken to a specialist at the school, who taught me. I haven't stopped since.
    
34. I have a friend named David who I call "Poodle" and I'm his "Pookie"
35. I blog as an excuse to not write a book.
    
36. I can rap. To songs already on the radio. Not like freestyle.
    
37. Poetry is fun.
    
38. fifty was a really big number.
    
39. I decided to like the color pink freshman year because it was so uncool. It then became cool. I haven't changed my mind.
    
40. My grandma used to serve me cereal with half and half as the milk.
    
41. My grandma always had raisin bread on hand.
    
42. Funerals can apparently be fun.
    
43. I cry at everything but am also emotionally retarded.
    
44. Drinking makes me happy.
    
45. I have to pee.
    
46. Seriously fifty was a stretch.
    
47. I was in Set crew in Highschool but longed for teh spotlight. My stage fright prevented it.
    
48. I love playing volleyball and have a mean overhand serve.
    
49. I hate socks.
    
50. I wad up my toilet paper so I can use more.