All of my life I thought I was over weight. When I was in 8th grade the other girls were 80-95lbs and I was 100 and I thought I was fat. I have a big bone structure, not that my bones are big, but I'm wider. I don't look like I weigh what I do, never have.

But I get it, after gaining 100lbs in a year I'm fat. Sure I've lost some, but I'm still 100lbs over what I was in highschool. I used to hate being a size 9. Or even a size 10. And now I long to be that size again, and no matter what I do it doesn't seem to be working. I eat less, eat better and whats that? I've gained weight? Fantastic.

I've always been a "Make fun of your flaws first so it matters less when others do it." Kinda person. Fat joke flow freely, when I'm around. Not at other people, at myself. I've run out of jokes and now it's starting to get to me. Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe I'm being over emotional. I'm not sure. What I do know is the next person to tell me I have sausage fingers is going to die.

I dish it out, so I should be able to take it. Turns out everyone has a breaking point and I may have reached mine. God, I only hope in a day or so this "sensitive about my weight" issue lifts, because I fucking hate being this choked up about something that is clearly my own damn fault.
It's one thing to be upset that you have cancer, it's a completely different thing to be upset because you have a fondness for Oreos and chicken full of butter.

Come on Jen, stop acting like a girl and go back to acting like yourself god damn it. This change in personality is not helpful or healthy. Hating yourself and how you look is not the way forward.

1 comment:

Wendie said...

It sounds like you're getting to a place where you don't want to cover insecurity up with fat jokes and Oreos. That's progression.