I've been in a funk. There are things for me to do, I'm aware of this. I talk about what I need to get done often. Laundry, packing, cleaning my mother's garage.. all of them need to get done. But whats stopping me? My depression. I'm in a funk I can't get out of, I know whats causing it and I wish I could just shake it off, get over it and move the fuck on.
What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)
She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.
No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.
I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.
I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.
That something is you, Em.