I've been in a funk. There are things for me to do, I'm aware of this. I talk about what I need to get done often. Laundry, packing, cleaning my mother's garage.. all of them need to get done. But whats stopping me? My depression. I'm in a funk I can't get out of, I know whats causing it and I wish I could just shake it off, get over it and move the fuck on.

What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)

She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.

No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.

I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.

That something is you, Em.


Victoria said...

Hi Jen... I don't know you from scratch, I don't you know me either but I've been here, where you are. Didn't know why and whatnot... and I still haven't totally figured it out, but I can tell you what helped me (I'm not saying I'm fixed! But I'm better).

I quote you, "It always feels like something is missing."

I totally know what you mean! Today's the first time I visit your blog, and I haven't read anything past this most recent post - should I?

It started with a online radio station, Raja Yoga Radio (Google it, first search result) and well, I dunno how to explain it... but I'm not a god believer, and I'm not a believer in Religion - I'm going to guess you're not either. I didn't know what to have faith in, and I finally realized not too long ago that was my problem.

Anyways, this radio station kinda pushed me in finding some 'enlightment', listen to it when trying to fall asleep... you sleep really good for a good couple of hours. Then they play this ONE song that's fucking annoying lol, always wakes me up.

Lately, I'm finding myself more attracted to energy - spiritual energy, that everything has an energy signature, blah blah blah... when you're ready, see if you can get the book "The Celestine Prophecy" or something of the sort, quite the eye opener.

Now, I'm looking into manifestation (getting what you want, in other words) and ever since I started listening to that radio station and raising my awareness of my thoughts, feelings, etc etc and really making a conscious effort of being more positive, I'm actually happier, doing different stuff, got a new job.. etc etc.

I know this sounds preachy, but, when reading your post I couldn't help but relate so much - and that I had to share with you.

Just do yourself a favor - listen to the radio station for 15 mins or so. Give it a chance...


Anonymous said...

Hey Jen,

You don't know me and I don't know you but I've come across your blog a few times and I cant help but think you're going to tear the previous comment to shreds.

Here is the deal, we have all been there.

Now you are taking probably the biggest step in your life and although you would like Emily to be there to hold your hand through it, unfortunately she's not.

In the long term, maybe this is better for you. Emily would have to go back to America and it would be hard and sad to know that your continued friendship wouldn't be the same anymore. Change was always going to come.

So stay strong, move on with your life, look after yourself and care for those that truly matter and are there for you now.