7/08/2009

Death and lack of Emotion

The problem I find in the last two days is my lack of emotion. At times I forget that my grandma has died. My sister's husband, Brad, asked me how I was and I responded with an over enthusiastic "Dandy!" and he looked and me strange. My inner monologue went something like this, "Oh right, you're grieving. Stupid Jen."

I don't feel upset. I'm not happy. Well I am, just not in regards to her death. I'm just.. I'm so Jaded.

At my Mom's funeral I cried. At my grandpa's funeral I cried and then played pokemon. This time around, the last of that side of my family being gone, I can't imagine I'll feel anything. And it's worrysome.
I bottle my emotions, I've gotten really good at it. And I'm scared that maybe, just maybe, when the bottle is full I'll lose my mind and everyone around me will suffer.

Maybe the biggest difference this time around is I have an amazing support group. Emily, John, My sister, my parents... people who I took for granted/didn't know then and now..

Or maybe I really am just numb to death. But no one else die so we can test it out, ok? That'd be awesome. Everyone keep living.

Ps. Micheal Jacksons death didn't even make me sad.

3 comments:

KLo said...

I think people respond to death differently, not just the overall concept of "death" but each individual death. It's kind of a complex mix of your relationship with the deceased and where you're at personally when experiencing the death. Regardless, my thoughts are with you.

Big Jen said...

Jen - don't fret just because you are not 'grieving' the way you or others think you should does not mean we are all in trouble down the road. You can never predict it and you can't force the emotion either. You may or may not cry when the funeral gets here. She was sick and not herself so in a sense she really is in a better place and you had lots of warning it was coming. Heck you may even be more at peace with this knowing you did know her and loved her as a grandmother. I will never forget going back to school the day after jeff died and when i told people what happened I was laughing. So there really is no right way to behave or grieve. it just comes when you are ready to handle it in a way that you can handle it.

W said...

I didn't realize that your mom passed away because you also refer to visiting your mom. Losing a parent so young can certainly numb you to the experience.