Contemplation: The thing that destroys you.

So I'm sitting out on my balcony. I'm wearing thin PJ pants that go a bit past my knees, slippers and a hoody. It's probably 30-40 degrees outside and yet I'm perfectly fine.
It springs to mind that a year ago I was not where I was today and four years ago I didn't have the slightest clue I would be here.

Interestingly enough, my thoughts four years ago were based roughly on steak N' Shake and who would be there that night. And quite possibly wondering if there was going to be drinking. I don't remember who I was dating, or what anyone was talking about. I do remember this sense of belonging.
Steak N' Shake holds some of the best memories of my life. From Spades to Egyptian Rat Screw, 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon, Sims, Harry Potter, Cigarettes, Poker and every conversation in between. I can honestly say that four years ago I thought the group of us was going to be friends forever.

A lot of us have lost touch over the years. Some due to jobs, school, or just other things that got in the way. The day Steak N' Shake went non smoking is the day I essentially lost my friends.
We gathered one last time, stood outside in the freezing cold. Trying hard to pretend things were going to be the same, but we all knew it wasn't going to happen.
We got together for parties, and at those parties there were drugs. Thats when I pulled myself out and distanced myself from them. I don't care what other people do, I will voice my thoughts on the issue and then drop it.
Your body, your choice.

But I wasn't going to be put into a situation like that. Don't get me wrong, I've smoked pot a time or two, but its nothing special. Maybe I was doing it wrong, maybe I just didn't want to be like them.
But there is always that thought now and again, when a friend finds me on facebook, or I see them roaming through walmart..
What would have been if we were still friends? Would we still be as close? Would we still laugh like we did and cause havoc where ever we went?

Would I have strived so hard to make friends at Applebees? Would I be living where I am now? As happy as I am now?

Its all interesting to me, curious really, how years later people who forgot me as quickly as I forgot them can surface in my memory in an instant. And how after four years a part of me still longs to be the girl I was. Technorati Tags: , , , ,

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