This is why wine is always a bad choice

Hi. I have things to say, but I'll update you on that later. Just wanted to share with you one of my more crazy moments. Seriously, why someone introduced me to the internet, I'll never know. It was a bad choice for the world. Sorry world.

Life

Life is alright I suppose. feeling I'm not really in the mood to write which is strange for me. Hopefully in a few days my brain will shut up and the writing will continue.
Until then, I just hope to stay sane and not lose myself inside my head of crazy thoughts.

More about my Brain

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I had ADHD. I was on Ritalin for years, but eventually stopped taking it. Not sure why, just know I stopped. (Since you know, I don't take it now.)
For years I coped, maybe not getting the best grades in school, but I didn't flunk or anything. I figured I wasn't smart, although deep down I knew that was a lie.
Just wanted to be normal, thats all.

After my grandpa died, my mom wanted me to go talk to someone because no 17 year old kid should be as perfectly fine as I was. And for her sake, to make her feel better and not worry, I did. I sat down with a shrink and we didn't talk about much. I don't like talking about how I feel or what goes on in my brain. (At least I didn't until I discovered blogging!) and I sat down with someone and he prescribed me two drugs. One for my Bipolar Disorder.

After a few weeks of taking them both I realized I didn't feel like myself. I didn't like what they had done for me. Not knowing, that it was the one for ADHD that was making me feel strange.
So I stopped taking them both. And I stopped going to the shrink for treatment. I just up and quit it all.
My mom asked me about it, but when I told her I didn't want too she didn't really push it. Which was nice.

But now my crazy is back, and in full force. It's causing me to not sleep for days, but still be perfectly fine. And then after that happens, I go mental.
The case this time was John's sister was upset about me mentioning she got her ass kicked. And I read his blog, asked him if he was mad at me. He told me no, so we dropped it.
Less than 10 minutes later I exploded at him for absolutely no reason, no justification and continued babbling about it for three days. (Well two were the silent treatment.)

He didn't do anything wrong. Hell, his sister didn't do anything wrong.
I on the other hand, did. My crazy came out a swingin' and I didn't catch it in time to stop it. Although Kudos to me because this time I didn't do two things.
1.) I didn't drink until I was so drunk I was puking. Because that would had made this whole thing a lot worse for all involved.
2.) I didn't say things such as "I'm better off dead." and "Like you would miss me if I died."

See, I'm a complete wack-job.

I'm hoping for the fall I can get enrolled in some courses at the college out here. I'd like to be full time again. Mainly for the health insurance. And if I can get something for my brain, maybe instead of half assing it I can actually focus and do my work like a normal person.
Because I'll be honest: College is not supposed to be this difficult. Perhaps with the right balance of medication I can finally live up to that potential my teachers were raving about all my life.

And I'm going to talk to my mom, maybe it's worth the couple hundred maybe thousand I'd spend to go sit down and get prescribed something. I don't know. I want to look into it, because this cant possibly be safe for my brain. And I feel so bad for John who tolerates my insanity on a monthly baisis. See, the best part about my insanity is the fact that I hide it so well from others.
It only comes out to people who can't judge me for it, or wont judge me for it.

Over the last three days I was at work pretending everything was perfectly normal. People knew John and I were fighting, but they have no idea why and to what extent.
I always hid it so very well, and maybe thats why no one thought to get me help.

The last two days: RECAP!

So Saturday morning I woke up at 730ish as you all know and had some coffee. I headed off to work, worried that I was going to be late so I'm haulin' ass down Route 47 to get there on time.
I end up being 20 minutes early. It was wonderful.

So I get to my register and realize Kay, the bitch of a manager, is there. My day already sucks the big one. Nanette, some lady who is very chatty, is working next to me and the first hour zooms by because we're all gossiping and having a good time.
Then it starts to pick up a bit, couple customers here, there, My coffee has kicked in so I'm a ray of sunshine.
Break rolls around and I go outside where I proceed to freeze my ass off to have a cigarette. Come back in and buy some starburst.
I spent the next hour helping people and eating starburst. It was good.
Lunch time I get my sub and head into the back, this already took 20 minutes but thats dandy, I don't mind waiting for food.

Now theres this girl, Stephanie, who smells like shit and just... she's gross ok? She sits down next to me and starts making akward conversation when clearly I am trying to eat. She starts eating and chewing with her mouth open and smacking her lips, (I feel like my father right now, I had no idea how annoying it was.) I eventually tell John to call me via Text and he does, saving me from the fate of the smelly fat girl.

I hide in the bathroom for a bit and then head back in, noticing that this girl has now moved to another table to bother someone else. Thank god, and yet lulzy at the same time.
I finish eating and the rest of my day was spent like this...

I zoned grocery. Which means I straightened items, made sure everything was in its correct spot and then put things away that werent. It was a blast. I don't mind doing it, but what I do mind is walking back through the area I did an hour ago only to see someone has destroyed it again. Or watching a lady drop four boxes of Trix on the floor and then LEAVE THEM THERE.

I had no idea "Maid" was part of my job.

My day is done, I buy a new coffee maker. I head home and invite Emily over. We sit watching TV and laughing at it. Jes comes home and instantly I don't want to be there. The vibe of the room changes the moment she walks in, like anger and fear and it's not cool.
I dropped Emily off and drove around a bit, singing some Queen and what not.

I get home and sit online for about 10 minutes before I let John call me and go lay down. I've been up 17.5 hours at this point and I am dead tired. 1AM rolls around and I"m laying in my bed listening to the TV in the other room, and the arguments that seem to have no point.

Finally at 2AM they are shouting so I get up, get dress and walk out slamming the door behind me. (And my family can vouch for me, I'm a lover of the door slam.) I get in my car (Trying to make a dignified exit in slippers.) and realize I forgot my debit card and ID. So I drive around for an hour, doing a figure 8 from Woodstock to Crystal lake, back to woodstock, then Algonquin, Crystal lake and back to woodstock.

I talked to John for a bit on the phone, swearing up a storm and being angry as fuck, and then I drove in silence. Enjoying it.
I got home and Jes had "Gone to bed" but when I laid down I could still hear them talking. I eventually drifted off around 4am.

This morning I got up and when Emily called we went to JCpennys to order the pictures, (Feb 4th) and then headed to my Moms to get my mail, drop off the Ipass and just bother her a bit. We then ventured towards woodstock to stop at Helping Paws to see the cats and perhaps find out more about adopting one.

Well that was a bust. Not the cats, but adopting one.
I called Jes, asking if it was ok. She flat out told me no because she doesn't want one.
I almost cried.

So we went to Walmart and I bought the Sims 2 Pets Expansion pack. So now I can surround myself with animals who love me and like to pay attention to me! Huzzah!

5pm was Emily's Moms birthday thing, which was fun as always. The Cross family is a crazy family, but they're all intelligent, funny, NICE people. Who do not question why Emily's friend is over for Christmas brunch or their mother's birthday.

I came home, took the laptop into my room and played the sims for 5 hours. And now, I'm going to go to bed. And if I hear them argue or fight at all... I'm going to scream at them. Because my door is locked and its about damn time I did something about this.

Hope you all had a better weekend then I did.

My Brother is insane.

He's been on the phone with me for 30 minutes and has reminded me over and over again how much I miss him.
He's having a break down over our dad calling so much, and when he drinks he's like me. He talks, about everything and everyone.
God I love him.

"Wish I could shut my playboy mouth..."

I am tired, cranky and stressed. This is not a good combo for me. The slightest things are pissing me off, and I just want to curl up and sleep/cry. Between having to pack (And not getting any of that done) and my paper (two paragraphs done.) Im about ready to punch an infant in the face.
I have no idea what time I work tomorrow but I do know that I work. Great, huh? oh well. Time for me to vanish I need sleep and my knee needs ice.

Maybe when my sanity returns you can have a real update.