Truth:
I have been a crappy sister in the past. And I have done more than enough to make up for it.
I have been a shitty daughter in the past, but I have tried and will continue to make up for it.
I have been a shitty friend in the past, but I am re-connecting and making up for it.
Untrue:
That I am a shitty sister, when I try so hard to understand things about you and you go and blame everything on me. Instead of saying what is wrong with US you say everything that is wrong with your life. I can love you unconditionally, but I can't fix the burden you continue to place on my shoulder, and enough is enough. I'm not a shitty sister, so stop blaming your issues on me.
That I am a shitty aunt.
I have four children at the moment who know me as Auntie Jen. There would be a fifth but other reasons prevent it. Those children are my life. The two oldest are the reason I can still laugh and the reason I still try to make something out of myself, to be a good example. And the other two as well, even if they and I are not related. These kids are my reason for doing everything that I do, and being everything that I can be. And making any of them laugh, or smile is the whole reason I haven't given up. So when you sit there and say I'm a shitty aunt, look at who else is involved and question it a bit further. Because there are four kids who look up to me, and laugh with me and are showered with my love and affection..
I am a shitty sister:
I have several siblings who love me. I assumed you were one of them. Lay off the guilt trip, I'm not the person you're fighting. The past is the past, be a man and man up to your mistakes.
I'm a shitty person in general:
Perhaps this is true. But I have people who love me and support me, and for that I am ever thankful. I have people who laugh with me, who joke with me and make me smile. I have people who want to spend time with me, and enjoy it. can you say the same? Probably not. Get over yourself, you're really not that special.
Pat, I love you. But this war you've been fighting your whole life isn't directed at me, Dave or anyone else. You have to grow up and take responsibilities for your actions. And some of them you had, but some of them you're still holding a grudge. We love you, we want what is best for you, and although SOME OF US CANT SAY IT AT TIMES, we do.
I'm your little sister, and I want what is best for you, and maybe I can't fix anything other than your grammar, but know its because I want you to better yourself. It's not because I want to belittle you. And you can think and believe what you want, but I will continue with my battle cry long after you've lost wind.
Because try as you might, I'm far more stubborn than you, and I've always believed you can do better than what you're doing now. That is right, not your but you're As in YOU ARE DESTINED TO BETTER THINGS THAN YOU ARE NOW.
I love you and I'm sorry. But if anyone is going to get through to you, it'll be me. It hasn't happened yet, but it's bound to. Right? I hope so.
10/28/2009
10/25/2009
Life
Life has kinda thrown me for a loop, nothing bad mind you. Been hanging out at my moms more, which is good because she keeps me in check and tells me when I'm being a complete moron. Which sometimes is a lot more often than I need. She'll sit me down and talk about things, and listen to both sides (Pat..sigh.) and then offer advice and words of wisdom. And I don't say my mom is wise very often, but after so many kids she probably knows us better than we know ourselves.
Since the Emily fiasco of 09' I have found a new bridesmaid, who wears a size 9 so some alterations and the wedding will still be even, which I love. Yay Chantel! I have been babysitting for her, which was exhausting and tiring and what not. Took baby to his first diner, introduced him to yummy cottage cheese and hashrbowns. Been spending more time in the living room with Jes and Homie D thug, and its going to suck to not have a small child to play with whenever I want, but thats life, eh?
Been avoiding any real task, such as packing or sorting things. Which I'm not surprised at. I knew it would be the hardest part, seeing as its the one that sucks the most. "What? I can't possibly throw away this lawn gnome! George is my homie!" And then my mother rolls her eyes and puts him in the keep box. Granted, she may have thrown him away after all. But come on! That lawn gnome is from Crystal's 13th birthday. He's been with me 10 years! HOW DO YOU GET RID OF SOMETHING THAT AWEOSME!?
The other night I got drunk, SHOCK I KNOW, and wanted to watch the princess bride. So I tried to download it. Downloaded a virus instead. Whippee! Computer is fucked. I can still get online, which is great, but can't talk on MSN really, and the Virus scan isn't working.
The cost of having it fixed + Shipping = More than the computer itself cost. So.. yea. 50 bucks for a 600 dollar computer anyone?
vista. Lots of memory and Ram. Will do system restore before you get it. Yeah, cuz I'm awesome.
So yea, John is on the phone now so thats my cue to wrap this up. LATER KIDS.
Since the Emily fiasco of 09' I have found a new bridesmaid, who wears a size 9 so some alterations and the wedding will still be even, which I love. Yay Chantel! I have been babysitting for her, which was exhausting and tiring and what not. Took baby to his first diner, introduced him to yummy cottage cheese and hashrbowns. Been spending more time in the living room with Jes and Homie D thug, and its going to suck to not have a small child to play with whenever I want, but thats life, eh?
Been avoiding any real task, such as packing or sorting things. Which I'm not surprised at. I knew it would be the hardest part, seeing as its the one that sucks the most. "What? I can't possibly throw away this lawn gnome! George is my homie!" And then my mother rolls her eyes and puts him in the keep box. Granted, she may have thrown him away after all. But come on! That lawn gnome is from Crystal's 13th birthday. He's been with me 10 years! HOW DO YOU GET RID OF SOMETHING THAT AWEOSME!?
The other night I got drunk, SHOCK I KNOW, and wanted to watch the princess bride. So I tried to download it. Downloaded a virus instead. Whippee! Computer is fucked. I can still get online, which is great, but can't talk on MSN really, and the Virus scan isn't working.
The cost of having it fixed + Shipping = More than the computer itself cost. So.. yea. 50 bucks for a 600 dollar computer anyone?
vista. Lots of memory and Ram. Will do system restore before you get it. Yeah, cuz I'm awesome.
So yea, John is on the phone now so thats my cue to wrap this up. LATER KIDS.
10/22/2009
To do list
Since I didn't have to babysit this morning due to a small child being sick I've slept a long ass time and now have to go do stuff. Mainly because I think the baby I live with is also sick and tired of him screaming and fussing so she's yelling at him. Crying babies I can take. Yelling adults, not so much.
So I am off. First stop is going to be the walgreens where I will pick up a massive bottle of water and an even larger redbull. Because thats how I roll. Over caffinated and stuff.
Then to the Tux place to drop off the boys sizes thus far, and get the neck sizes of Van and Dad. Then off to the craft store in Algonquin to pick up more bags, which is silly because I can't actually do anything with them- but If I'm going to run errands I might as well get them all out of the way. I need to call Taylor stevens to see if they'll do the bridal package and how much that would cost for hair and makeup.
I also need to find a nail salon and book that appointment, and get the rest of the candy. It's going to be a long day, but I think being busy and out of this room will be good for me. Yay me!
Caffine, I'm coming!
So I am off. First stop is going to be the walgreens where I will pick up a massive bottle of water and an even larger redbull. Because thats how I roll. Over caffinated and stuff.
Then to the Tux place to drop off the boys sizes thus far, and get the neck sizes of Van and Dad. Then off to the craft store in Algonquin to pick up more bags, which is silly because I can't actually do anything with them- but If I'm going to run errands I might as well get them all out of the way. I need to call Taylor stevens to see if they'll do the bridal package and how much that would cost for hair and makeup.
I also need to find a nail salon and book that appointment, and get the rest of the candy. It's going to be a long day, but I think being busy and out of this room will be good for me. Yay me!
Caffine, I'm coming!
10/13/2009
Sigh.
I've been in a funk. There are things for me to do, I'm aware of this. I talk about what I need to get done often. Laundry, packing, cleaning my mother's garage.. all of them need to get done. But whats stopping me? My depression. I'm in a funk I can't get out of, I know whats causing it and I wish I could just shake it off, get over it and move the fuck on.
What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)
She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.
No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.
I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.
I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.
That something is you, Em.
What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)
She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.
No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.
I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.
I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.
That something is you, Em.
10/10/2009
How about you work in my favor, Weather?
So last night I went to bed at 720pmish. I was woken up at 11:38Pm by the baby. No problem, roll over and go back to sleep right? NOPE. WRONG. Bladder was all "empty me! Empty me!" so I did that and realized I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep because my body assumed that was all the sleep it was going to get. Awesome, thanks body!
So I've been awake all night, playing NQ2 and MR and chatting on IRC and #Trivia and thats great and dandy. John calls at 7am, and we decided I will try to sleep. If not I will get up, shower, eat and go to my moms.
Couldn't sleep. Got up, showered haven't eaten but notice it's 32 Degrees outside even though the sun is shining. My thing to do at my mom's is outside. Uhm.. Nope. Not going. So I stayed up all night essentially so I could just shower? Maybe knit a bit? Pwn John at MR? Kick butt at NQ2?
I don't know, but Its too cold to wear flipflops thus too cold for Jen.
Imma give it an hour or so and if it doesn't warm up I'm going to bed. Yes.
So I've been awake all night, playing NQ2 and MR and chatting on IRC and #Trivia and thats great and dandy. John calls at 7am, and we decided I will try to sleep. If not I will get up, shower, eat and go to my moms.
Couldn't sleep. Got up, showered haven't eaten but notice it's 32 Degrees outside even though the sun is shining. My thing to do at my mom's is outside. Uhm.. Nope. Not going. So I stayed up all night essentially so I could just shower? Maybe knit a bit? Pwn John at MR? Kick butt at NQ2?
I don't know, but Its too cold to wear flipflops thus too cold for Jen.
Imma give it an hour or so and if it doesn't warm up I'm going to bed. Yes.
10/07/2009
Done Vs. Didn't
Things that I have done in the last week
What I didn't do this week
It's hard, I miss him so much.
I was supposed to go out there after he got the apartment, but it seems like such a waste of 800 dollars that could and will be put towards sending my stuff there, having fun with my friends, and apparently now paying my massive phone bill. Its not that I didn't want to go, because I did. But in a week or so I'm going to be out of my mind with stress and each passing day is just going to make it worse.
So it's best that I'm here so I can curl up in a ball and freak out on my bed. Yes. Or you know, get stuff done. But there's always tomorrow, right?
- Laundry.
- Dishes
- Cooked
- Read
- Watched TV
- Wrote
- Got addicted to more FB games
- Hung out with my Big sister and her family
- Started smoking again
- Talked on the phone
- laughed
- cried
- danced
- Talked a lot about what needed to get done
What I didn't do this week
- Take advice that I didn't agree with
- Be overly social to pretend I'm ok
- Blog (Except for right now)
- Laugh so hard I cried
- Drink
- Visit my father
- Clean my room
- Put clean laundry away
- sort things so my upcoming exportation is easier
- get pregnant (We're all happy, I assure you.)
- Bake a pie
- Finish cleaning my mother's garage
- feel remorse
- be so depressed that I was holed up in my room.
- go running
- quit smoking
- lose weight
It's hard, I miss him so much.
I was supposed to go out there after he got the apartment, but it seems like such a waste of 800 dollars that could and will be put towards sending my stuff there, having fun with my friends, and apparently now paying my massive phone bill. Its not that I didn't want to go, because I did. But in a week or so I'm going to be out of my mind with stress and each passing day is just going to make it worse.
So it's best that I'm here so I can curl up in a ball and freak out on my bed. Yes. Or you know, get stuff done. But there's always tomorrow, right?
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