Sigh.

I've been in a funk. There are things for me to do, I'm aware of this. I talk about what I need to get done often. Laundry, packing, cleaning my mother's garage.. all of them need to get done. But whats stopping me? My depression. I'm in a funk I can't get out of, I know whats causing it and I wish I could just shake it off, get over it and move the fuck on.

What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)

She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.

No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.

I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.

That something is you, Em.

Friendship

Dear Diary,
Today is another day that marks the day that I drive yet another friend away. The weapon? Honesty.
Shame really. I shed a tear (Literally) and I'll be sad since this person has been there for years and I took everything they said to heart, advice, jokes etc. Everything. They were the person I turned too when life got super shitty and John wasn't around.

It's like a part of me is dead. Not a bit part, but a part that made me smile and laugh when I needed it most. The part that had fights with me when I needed someone to knock me off my pedestal when I needed it the most.
So I am upset, but I'll get over it.

If you read this, I wish you the best as I always have. I hope whatever life has in store for you is as amazing and awesome as you are. I'm going to miss our late night talks of nonsense and craziness. But I understand. And maybe in due time...

Friendship

Maybe I'm selfish, but perhaps its time for that?

Emily and I made plans a few days ago to go to dinner tonight. She decided to get wasted last night and be hung over this morning. Which is fine, except she's drinking everyday. We worry that I'm an alcoholic, but she puts me to shame.
She bailed on the plans due to last night she got home and decided to fight with her boyfriend about nothing. So instead of me having an awesome fun night with my friend, I had a shitty night sitting at my computer thinking.

Thanks Emily, you know how much I love to think.

So I told her, until the drinking is no longer a problem I can't keep doing this. I look forward to things, and then when I'm told their not happening it's like someone telling me there's icecream only to tell me it's melted right before I get out the scoop. Or something like that.

These three days I have tried to fill my time up with activities, most of which have involved being at my parents house, where I am calm and rational. Where there are people to talk too and bother.
But tonight I'm stuck alone in my room with nothing but the voice in my head to keep me company.
Oh and the captain, which I will be pouring shortly.

Numbers Ain't Got Nuttin' On Me!

I'm in a much better mood than I have been in days. I had a breakdown the other night, crying and being upset about anything and everything that I could. And at the end of it all the weight was off my shoulders and I could smile again with out having to force it.

Currently, I'm on a high. Not a drug high, but one of pride and happiness. I have taken the same math class four times while in College. Each time I decided I was too good and stopped going. Well this time around, I've not missed a single class and my test grades have so far been 99%, 94% and 99%. Which gives me an average of about 95-97%

I will be getting out of this math class with an A.

I can not stop smiling over this, and it thrills me to bits.


In other news, come Monday my English class will be reading my memoir I wrote years ago about the day I was told my mom had AIDS. I'm scared shitless. I do not like people reading my writing, and more importantly I do not like people flat out telling me what they think of my paper with out me being able to respond. (Oh yes, I can not speak during this.)
I have a feeling I'll be hitting someone with my car on "Accident" when this class is over.

tomorrow is Day one of Softball tournament #2 and I'm excited to have something to do.
I want to get a job, but it's the summer. Can't I have fun instead? *whines*

I'll try to post sometime over the weekend, but don't expect me to be around much.