Wasting time

I have been up far to long already today and its only going to continue to drag on. Thank god John introduced me to "Stumble" a click and I'm transported to a whole new site with new and different things to look at. I'm excited and its helping me stay distracted from the emptiness of this bedroom.

Sleep heals all wounds.

I slept for 7 hours. I got tired of sitting here pretending to be interested in the internet and eating Peanut butter. So I went to bed. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I just wanted my teddy bear and to stare at something that wasn't my computer. The wall worked out just fine.
But then my body betrayed me and instead of letting me think horrible things that would just make me cry, it passed out for the night shutting down my thinking and protecting me from myself.
Probably for the best.

Jes still isn't home yet from the hospital. Which is good, she's getting taken care of, but bad because this apartment is so empty. I like being alone. Just not right now. Please, I need voices. I need something to distract me from this. I need someone around so I can pretend to be happy and alright and myself.
I'm not myself. I am but I'm not.

I think the process of someone dying is far worse than someone just outright dying.
At least if she was already dead I would have no choice in the matter. Now I sit by her side and whisper at her to keep fighting and being stubborn. How very selfish of me, no?
For the last two years I haven't gone to see her. She didn't know who I was and I couldn't bring myself to watch someone else I love die. I'm a selfish person.

And I apologized for that.

The most depressing part of it all? I'm sitting there crying and babbling to her, I tell her to tell Mom and Grandpa I love them and miss them and she stares right at me for at least ten seconds before closing her eyes again.
I have never watched anyone die like this before. Ever.
Its heartbreaking and not something I would suggest to anyone.

I told them, being the nurses, that if she gets worse regardless of the time I want to be there. I am not letting her die alone without family. I may not have been there for the other two, but theres no one around to protect me from it now, and its something that has to be done.

God she already looks like shes been dead for years. I need a drink. A strong drink. I need a hug and a drink and maybe another 13 hours of sleep.

5:43 Am.. The clock ticks on

I haven't been sleeping lately. Scratch that, I have been sleeping- just not at times that one would deem normal. John left on the 26th and my heart broke. I don't know why, but I haven't been sleeping and I've been in this funk that I can't shake myself out of no matter what I do or try.

I miss him.

I've been drawing more. Not sure why I started again, guess I thought it would make me happy, or smile about something. Nope. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not good, will never be good, or good enough for people around me to like what I've drawn.
I should just stick to writing.

Which is what this is. A fresh start for a fresh new chapter of my life. We're calling it "Year 22." I'm practically a vintage. I feel old. I feel like shit.

And the best part about it all?
I was in the same place I am now 4 years ago. I still have so much growing up to do. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I want to move out, I want a job.. But then I lack the motivation to do anything about it. And sitting in my room all day just makes me sad and angry. I'm lonely and depressed and I can't even be arsed to fix it.

I can't even be bothered to lay down and sleep...