50 things about me

1. I learned how to drink on Captain morgan and to this day, years later, it's my drink of choice.
   
2. I've owned two cars in my life. One was free the other I've paid off.
   
3. I have an obsession with books. I want a Kindle, but I have a relationship with books.
   
4. I dance around my room mouthing words into a hairbrush when I'm sad. It cheers me right up.
   
5. Mafia.org is where I met John.
6. I call John Trevikins on Mafia.org
7. It's the mafia and he has the gayest nickname ever from it.
   
8. My parents all contributed from my music taste. Elvis and Country from my mom, Cher from my other Mom and Oldies from my dads.
9. I actually prefer savory over sweet. I don't really like cake that much. Sorry.
   
10. I drive like a crazy person, and talk to the cars infront of me. "Excuse me, Ford Taurus, can you please at least go the speed limit or...GET THE FUCK OFF TEH ROAD?! THANKS....Maybe? No? Damn."
11. I might be secretly greek or Italian with the urge to feed people.
    
12. I only cook when someone else is going to eat it, cooking for myself is gay.
    
13. I am horribly shy. Crowds are a no thank you.
14. I used to love Navy before walmart.
    
15. I still have shoes from 2000. And I love them.
    
16. Im scared of heights, spiders, death, thunderstorms and Semi's.
    
17. The hardest part about moving to England is leaving Alex and Emily. The two people who get really super excited to see me. (Everyone else too, but those two have the best greetings)
18. I love shoes. Seriously. If I didn't have wide feet I'd be broke.
    
19. I used to steal thongs from Charotte russe. My mom would hide them. On my 18th birthday I got a hatbox full of thongs. I still ahve the box adn most of the thongs.
    
20. My mother is my best friend.
    
21. I'm turning into both of my mom's.
    
22. The two people I want to be like in life are My mom and my big sister. Except I don't want to drunkenly break my toliet paper holder. (Heh.)
    
23. Everything makes me cry. Country songs, Commercials, Movies, Sitcoms, books and even comics.
    
24. If I hug you, you're awesome. Thats the general rule of thumb.
    
25. I have always thought I was fat. Since I was about 12. Only now is it true.
    
26. I still sleep with my teddy bear.
    
27. I'm a packrat. I keep everything. I have a gnome I stole from someone's yard when I was 13.
    
28. I regret the friends I've lost.
    
29. I've had a lot of awesome friends.
    
30. I'm horrified that I will never amount to anything. ever.
    
31. I secretly read my little sisters Kid books. And I love them.
    
32. I cried when someone knocked me over in 1st grade and my copy of the Wizard of Oz fell into a puddle. I continued reading, but it was hard.
    
33. I couldn't read like the other kids. I was taken to a specialist at the school, who taught me. I haven't stopped since.
    
34. I have a friend named David who I call "Poodle" and I'm his "Pookie"
35. I blog as an excuse to not write a book.
    
36. I can rap. To songs already on the radio. Not like freestyle.
    
37. Poetry is fun.
    
38. fifty was a really big number.
    
39. I decided to like the color pink freshman year because it was so uncool. It then became cool. I haven't changed my mind.
    
40. My grandma used to serve me cereal with half and half as the milk.
    
41. My grandma always had raisin bread on hand.
    
42. Funerals can apparently be fun.
    
43. I cry at everything but am also emotionally retarded.
    
44. Drinking makes me happy.
    
45. I have to pee.
    
46. Seriously fifty was a stretch.
    
47. I was in Set crew in Highschool but longed for teh spotlight. My stage fright prevented it.
    
48. I love playing volleyball and have a mean overhand serve.
    
49. I hate socks.
    
50. I wad up my toilet paper so I can use more.
    

Paying attention more pays off

Haven't seen it yet, but now that I've realized that when I write about shit that doesn't matter to anyone but myself... I have less hits! So now, we're going to discuss something we all care about.

Me.

Oh wait, that wasn't working was it? Fuck. Well I stayed up all night hatching this plan and its bound to fail so it looks like I'm off to watch tv and pray to god Ryan Stiles gets his own TV show where he doesn't wear clothes much.
Or if he does, he has to wear his black and white flame shoes.

Mmmmm Gangly, skinny, tall, funny men. (See John! It makes sense now, right?)

Coffee is brewing

Its 330am and I can't sleep. I probably could if I tried really hard but I finished another book and my mind is going a mile a minute. Books make me think, and when I think I don't sleep. I write. Not about books I want to write, but about life and how it relates to the book I've read.

So I read a romance and thought about John. Main character in the book was "John Kowlawsky" or something like that. I thought it was funny so I got the book, which in turn broke my fragile little heart.

This summer I'm planning on going to England for two weeks. I'm terrified. Not in the normal "Oh his family will hate me..." terrified, no the "Getting this visa is going to suck my balls" terrified. I don't know who to talk too about the letter I need saying in June, when I get back, I will still have a job. I don't know how much money I need in my bank account, if I need a copy of my lease, a blood test or a background check.

And all of this worrying is accomplishing nothing, never does. But I continue to do it anyway. I feel bad that John can come over here every other month, and my family knows him alright (I try not to expose him, he may be scared off.) but I have met his family once, I mean I have talked to them and I like them but its unfair that he's going to eventually move here and as of right now I can count the things they know about me on my fingers and toes.

1.) Sarah thinks I want to hit her in the face with a shovel (I know you read, couldn't resist.)
2.) His brother, Paul, hated the idea at first thinking John was completely insane but apparently is slowly warming up to it.
3.) His mother adores me.
4.) I drink a lot very fast and enjoy wearing the color green.
5.) I blog
6.) I am a complete nerd.
7.) I am a Guitar hero GOD.
8.) I am from Chicago.
9.) I am ... Well that about sums it up I guess. Don't need my toes it would appear.

So I will be taking their family member selfishly away from them and they know almost nothing about me. Because as it turns out I am completely useless at the spoken word. Give me a blank paper and a pen and I can write pages about myself and what I think and things around me. Sit me down and ask me questions that have easy answers and I'm set... But ask me an open ended question like "So tell me about yourself." and all I can think of is, "I like cheese."

I'm so useless it hurts me. And more importantly some how this blog stopped being about the visa and turned into how completely pathetic and selfish I am. Because I am. I always have been and will probably always continue being that way. I think it has something to do with my parents, but then again I could blame everything on my parents if I needed too and it would all make sense, no?

Where are you now Dr. Phill? I have a riddle wrapped in a conundrum covered in chocolate for you!
Coffee is done, and I'm going to sit here chain smoking and playing the sims until my mind stops racing and I feel at peace with myself again. I'm fighting a losing battle with my mind here, my body is no match it would appear.